Here we are: Part 5! Wow, it seemed like such a good idea at the time. The next time I try to do something in five parts, just remind me that it's five times as much work, not the same work divided by five. Anyway, let's crack on...
Quote Of The Year Award
It couldn't be anything else. "I am different from you." Fukuda Yasuo's timeless snort of derision towards a particularly rude member of the press at his resignation press conference spawned a rather exhaustive line of merchandise and even a few tasty remixes.
If only Fukuda had said something like this before deciding to resign. He would still have had to resign, but he could have got at least another week out of the brief surge of minor popularity.
The Osu! Tatakae! Nippon! Grand Prix:
Icon Of 2008 Award!
This coveted award goes to the Shibuya Monkey! Congratulations, Monkey!
First seen on the 20th of August in Shibuya Station, "terrorizing" commuters, and sighted an additional four times, the monkey has yet to make an appearance since the 12th of November. Police and "experts" speculated that it got into central Tokyo by hitching a train ride, and significantly the monkey seems to be staying inside the Yamanote Line, as noted in Let's Japan's monkey-tracking campaign.
We hope the monkey survives the winter, and look forward to seeing it in 2009! Of course, I'll be sure to keep you fully updated if he is sighted, whether you like it or not.
Sorry, I was going to write this Part 4 of the OTN Awards last night, but I was too drunk. You know how it is. As such this is going to be quite a short Part 4. Anyway, it's here now, so enjoy. (Or don't. I'm not telling you what to do.)
Ueto Aya Story Of The Year Award
It's been a busy year for Ueto. But every year is a busy year for her. In 2008 she was crowned CM Queen for the second time (the first was in 2004), she was in the second Attention Please Special, she played the lead in Hokaben, she filmed Celeb to Binbo Taro and Sakura no Sono, she was named Best Dressed Entertainer of the year, and SoftBank gave her a mobile phone worth 13 million yen. But it's the interview with her by the Japan Times that wins this award, because it doesn't conform to the standard interview-template for idols: "When are you getting married? Are you seeing anyone at the moment? What kind of person are you looking for? So, when did you say you were getting married? Come on, just give us a guess." Even though it plays up the "reluctant star" angle too much, it does at least treat Ueto like a person. I guess we can all learn something from that article.
It's Part 3, and when you finish reading this you'll be over half-way through the 2008! Osu! Tatakae! Nippon! Awards! Doesn't that sound like something worth fighting for? Come on, push through to the other side - I know you can make it.
Most Insane Person Award
On the 23rd of November, Mizuta Manabu, a 35 year old salaryman, was arrested for "obstructing business". That's a euphemism of course. Why not take a guess at what it's a euphemism for...?
Well, if you didn't guess "throwing 200 mealworms, the well-known larvae of the fantastically named 'Darkling Beetle', at passengers in a train carriage, whilst carrying a further 3,600 mealworms in his backpack for immediate-future use", then you guessed wrong.
In trying desperately to justify his actions he said, "I wanted to see women get scared and shake their legs". And isn't it tragic when someone tries so hard to look less mad but only succeeds in looking madder than they ever could have if only they'd kept their mouth shut? He said more, too. Evidently he wasn't getting the reaction he'd hoped for from the police. He said, "It was fun to watch other passengers freak out when they looked at the creepy worms wiggling their way inside the train". And to back all this up he then added, "The worms wiggle around and are so weird. I like seeing people surprised".
Clearest Portent Of The Apocalypse Award
Oh man but this was a closely-fought category. I've covered some of the potential ends-of-the-world on this blog before, and choosing one particular story out of those and the many more that I've read was extremely difficult. But I've done it, and the winner of this category is the new technology developed by the ATR Computational Neuroscience Laboratory which analyzes the cerebral blood-flow in a person's brain and can reconstruct images from their mind and display them on a computer monitor. Sorry, let me rephrase that: the winners are the scientists who can now take pictures directly from people's BRAINS.
Ok, so the scientists did kind of put them there in the first place and then worked backwards, but they're now able to work forwards in a stumbling, black-and-white, grainy-imaged kind of way, and the point is that it's not a case of science anymore, it's a case of just improving the technology. And it won't take much but time to improve that technology. And once they do they'll not only be able to read the images from your mind, but potentially put them there too. And before you know it we're in The Matrix.
Welcome to Part 2 of this very prestigious awards ceremony! Don't worry, it involves less death than Part 1. It does however involve more Hitler. Which is to say, it involves some Hitler.
Most Ill-Advised TV Scene / Programme Award
This award goes straight to a scene from Yorosen, with no other contenders even coming close. The programme screened a regular section they have where idols play teachers and pupils, and one at the end of November involved Hello Project, featuring Hitler. Yes, that's right: Hello Project, featuring Hitler.
Who says Japan can't get over the war?
In the clip they not only display a frightening ignorance of who Hitler was, they also call him "Hitler oji-san", which is kind of like calling him "Uncle Hitler". TV Tokyo had to issue an apology for this clip after receiving complaints.
Plan Most Doomed To Failure Award
In a year when Curry Bath Salts were being sold you might have thought this category would be a close-call. That's certainly what I thought, until I found out that the Curry Bath Salts have actually proved immensely popular. And until Ibaraki prefecture decided they needed an airport.
(By the way, I should point out that a lot of other blogs would have immediately and smugly given this award to 'Aso Taro's premiership', and then sat down to think about how witty they were. The problem is that Aso Taro's premiership isn't so much a 'plan' as it is a bigoted, short-term thinking, raving lunatic, prancing around Tokyo trying to emphasise how much Japan rules seemingly by insulting everyone who lives there, and then everyone else. So I hope you appreciate the way I'm letting the whole Aso angle slide.)
As I was saying, until Ibaraki prefecture decided they needed an airport. And not just any airport! No, a $268 million airport! Yes, a $268 million airport which airlines refuse to fly to, people in Ibaraki refuse to support, and is located 15 miles from the nearest train station! A $26... oh wait.
(Here's where I would put a picture, if it wasn't all million-dollar mud-fields til 2010.)
2008 is over, as some of you might have noticed. And after almost a week of sporadic deliberation, and even more sporadic caring, I have decided on the categories and winners of the 2008! Osu! Tatakae! Nippon! Awards! It has truly been a journey.
There are ten categories, and contenders have been considered from all Japan-related news stories I've read throughout 2008, not just in the paltry 3 months this blog has existed. Strap in, here we go!
Most Unbelievable Death(s) Of The Year Award
This award doesn't go to the seven people who were stabbed to death in Akihabara in June, as you might have expected, because those deaths were both tragic and tragically believable. No, the Unbelievable Death(s) Award goes to the three seperate people who managed to get themselves killed by foot massagers in December.
The method was ingenious. Each of them had the cunning idea of taking the fabric cover of the foot massagers off, applying the foot massagers to the back of their necks, and then having the foot massagers roll up the backs of their collars thus asphyxiating them. In response, the company that makes the devices, the Matoba Electric Manufacturing Company, issued a statement belatedly asking people to please not be lethally stupid.
Most Unexpected Celebrity News Award
There were lots of new stories I remembered for this award, all coincidentally involving gravure idols and models. Either they lead particularly exciting lives or I'm somehow gravitating towards certain types of news reports. I guess we'll never know.
Coda Risa was arrested for possession of drugs, Leah Dizon got pregnant, Sawajiri Erika announced her engagement, but none of these were as shocking as the death of Iijima Ai. She was discovered dead in her apartment on the 21st of December after a friend became worried that she hadn't heard from her in days. She was found lying face-down, and the medical team stated on site that she'd been dead for a few days and that they couldn't yet ascertain the cause. Since the 24th no further statements have been released.
For those who don't know her, Iijima was one of the most popular AV stars in the late '80s and early '90s, leaving the industry in '92 to release a single and start appearing on daytime tv. She was a figure of female empowerment throughout the '90s, talking openly on tv panel shows about the dangers of STDs and the idea that it's ok for women to feel good during sex, whilst the other female celebrities sat there cutely, looking on and giggling. Iijima had a semi-autobiographical book, "Platonic Sex", published in 2000. There, as well as in various interviews and public speeches, she recounted her ascent from a horrible life in which she was homeless during her teens and raped at 14, to a life in which she attained national celebrity, having dinner with Koizumi Junichiro and campaigning prolifically for AIDs awareness.
She's died at the ridiculous age of 36, and it's understandably quite a big deal to a lot of people, me included. In the media nothing gets more coverage than a scandal or a story involving salacious revelations, and it often looks like the media are conspiring to create as powerful a state of shame as possible in which society can wallow self-pityingly. But Iijima refused to be ashamed of her past and showed that it's possible to change your life and the lives of those around you.
...is a British writer and stand-up comedian. He has performed in Tokyo, London and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to wildly varying receptions. This blog is one of the places where he'll pretend to know what's going on in the world.
